Sunday, April 17, 2011

Deaf Action

I have been told about the coolest of the cool places.  There's this place called Deaf Action Services.  They give you FREE STUFF.  I went there the other day, and this really sweet lady (hearing, but we won't hold that against her) asked to see a copy of my latest audio.  She took one look at it, whistled, and told me it was impressive.  I beamed. I do love to impress.  If I can't do it with my gorgeous body or brilliant mind, I'll wow you with my hearing loss. Like my mama always said, use what you have.

So she then proceeds to tell me what she can give me today.  That's right, GIVE!  For F.R.E.E!  I just love free stuff, don't you?  It adds something to the value, I think.  Like, this here alarm clock is worth $150 dollars, but I'm going to give it to you for free, so you can tell your friends it should have cost $300.  That's what I'm going to do, only by the time I get done telling this story, it'll have cost me about $800.  That's the way my stories work, in case you haven't noticed.  Nothing is to be taken literally.

Mrs. Valerie walks me through how to use my multi-purpose alarm clock.  I was expecting one of those jet engine loud ones I've researched on the internet.  You know, the ones that would wake up my sheriff deputy neighbor 200 yards over and he'd have to arrest me just for making him mad.  Even though he had that stupid rooster right outside our window for years, til we had us a dee-lishious chicken dinner one Sunday afternoon.  So, like I was saying, I was expecting 113 db of classical music to sooth my awake in the morning, but she told me it was inaudible.  Well, yeah, most things are to me.  But inaudible and deaf don't go well together, in case you didn't catch that.  And she gets paid for this job?

Ok, very quickly, I have to break away from the point of this story and tell you an aside.  I showed her a picture of my little'uns.  She looked at my most recent photo of them, which is two years old, and said they were the most beautiful children she'd ever seen.  She was good at stating the obvious, obviously. Then she points and says, "What's up with that one? All the others look a like, but he," (Chad) "doesn't fit.  Did you adopt him or something?"  She was not being rude or nasty, and was smiling, so no mean intent whatsoever. I never had anyone say this before, so I was actually surprised.  I thought he and Ainsley looked a good bit alike, at least with coloring.  But I responded with, "Actually, he is adopted.  I just finished therapy from dealing with that traumatic time. Thanks for bringing it up."  The look on her face was a sight to behold.  I did assure her I was joking, I promise.  I just can't seem to control the sarcasm.  

Then she showed me how the alarm clock worked. You don't need sound because you attach these vibration things to the bed and your lights to the clock, and when the alarm goes off in the morning, you don't need to hear because the bed picks you up and dumps you on your keister. If you're still sleeping after landing in a puddle on the floor, the seizure inducing flashing lights should do it.  I'm not sure it will work for me, but we'll find out in the morning.

But wait, it gets better!  It also comes with a doorbell and a phone jack.  I'm so glad we don't have a phone line.  Every time someone called me, every light in the house would be flashing and walls would be vibrating.  This isn't the sturdiest of houses and it would probably fall down like a house of cards.  If not, I'd be laying in the middle of it, biting on a wooden spoon to keep from swallowing my tongue.  The doorbell is iffy.  I haven't decided to put it up for sure.  It comes with velcro, so if the kids think it will be fun to ring it and run I can always hide it after I beat them silly.

They have other things for deaf people thing, but I'm only allowed one new toy at a time.  It was kind of like being a kid in a candy store.  "I'll take one of those, yup, and those.  Ooooh, what's that?  Yeah, gotta get me one of them!  You take credit cards?"

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