Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Mama's Visit

Today my mama visited me.  We had a normal visit, where she assured me she didn't want me to cook.  Why is that?  I'm a good cook.

While we were at the restaurant (Mexican, my favorite), we had our normal conversation.

Mama:  Look at that girl's pants, hanging below her butt.

Donald:  Why are you looking at her butt?

Mama:  I can't hardly miss it.  It's huge. 

Please note that she's not whispering. 

Ainsley:  Who's butt, Maw Maw?  (in her glass-shattering squeaky voice)  I want to see the big butt.

Mama:  What do you want for Christmas, kids?

There's a various chorus of camo shirts, weapons of mass destruction, and pink ponies.  Notice that she didn't ask me, her only child.

Me:  I'd like a normal mother.

Mama:  That's not going to happen.

Ainsley:  I'd like a normal mother.

I tried to swipe some of her nachos and cheese, but she blocked me with some kungu fu move. 

Me: I gave you birth, now give me some cheese.

Ainsley:  No.

Me:  I'm taking back your birth.

She shrugged.

Mama laid her credit card on the table, which was irresponsible of her, soI took it. 

Mama:  Give that back.

Me:  This is my allowance.  You're 25 years behind. 

Mama:  I'm going to take back your birth if you don't give me back that card. 

She has issues and needs therapy. 

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Double 16 Hunting Club Trail Ride 2012

Here's a recap of today's events, from my perspective.  I have to write them down now, before my aches and pains overcome me and I'm immobile for the next two weeks. Thank you, Blitz.

I chose to ride my sweet boy for today's ride.  As you may know, sometimes Diva gets cranky and kicks at other horses, and I thought Blitz might make a more relaxing ride. 

On the way to the hunting club, I got stuck behind the granddaddy of watertubs being carted down the street on a flat bed semi truck, and was reduced to going 30mph, which had me running a bit late.  When I stopped to pick up drinks for the trip, I loosened Blitz's rope and fed him in the trailer.  (There's a point of telling you this, I promise.)  When we got to the campground, I noticed the trailer rocking just a bit, but it wasn't until I parked that I realized why.  Blitz took that rope I gave him and hung himself with it...nearly literally.  He'd turned himself around in the trailer, the better to see the other horses with, then tried to right the situation, and, well...

So.  I unload him, or he unloads on me, whatever.  I tied him.  He swished to the left, he swished to the right.  He bugled in my ear.  I'm now deaf, thank you so much, you donkey's rear end.  I made an attempt to brush him, gave up, and threw the saddle at him - yes, at him.  It was the best I could do, short of a cattle chute.  Sweet boy was no more and poster child for adhd was in fine form.  "A horse!  Another horse!  I want to say hi.  HI!  A wagon!  A mule?  I don't like mules."  Lays ears back and snorts.  "A mare in heat!  Heeeeyyyy, baby!  I got what you want!  Well, I don't, but whatever."

I tried to get on him, and I hope no one has that posted on YouTube yet.  Eventually successful, we pranced, danced, and sashayed our way to the front lines, where I repeatedly apologized for our existence.  "He's not normally like this, honest.  He's normally very calm."  LIAR!

Setting off, I met two  new best friends, Angel and Eunice, that were luckily riding mares in heat. Blitz was happy to have two new girls, and I was happy to have someone to talk to.  Blitz was just this side of behaving, which is actually model behavior for him.  I didn't even fall off once, but Angel did.  I did NOT throw that rock!  She's okay, just hurt her finger.  (I didn't get it on video.)  :(

Stopped for lunch only four hours later.  Blitz is tired you say?  Au contraire, you silly person.  I tied Ritalin-overdosed boy to a tree (he can't hurt a TREE, right?!) and took a break.  Big mistake.  Huge.  I didn't even get the first bite of my sammich in my mouth before I see people chasing a familiar looking red horse.  Darn if he didn't look just like Blitz, who always stands tied perfectly.  And the tree is empty.  Huh.

"Always bring a halter on a trail ride, and never tie a horse with the reins."  Yeah, got that.    I figured it out as I held my new leather bridle in five different pieces, and only one of them was attached to my horse, who didn't look the least bit repentent.  A leather tie and some duct tape later, and we were back in business.  Remember, fellow rednecks, duct tape fixes anything.

Back in the saddle, which I was still excited about, believe it or not, and we were off.  I never got to eat that sammich.

Three hours later....

Where's my cell phone?  Somewhere between lunch and that moment, I'd lost my cell phone.  I'm gonna die.  This trail ride is no longer fun and I want to go home, where my phone will magically be waiting for me.  I need to Facebook that I lost my phone.  Oh wait, I can't, because I don't have my phone!  Life as we know it is over.

It gets better.  We round a curve to find a group of people and horses coming toward us.  "We're going the wrong way.  We have to go all the way back to the rotted tree stump and start over."  Uh uh.  My butt hurts, my knees hurt, my stomach is churning because someone won't stop bounce bounce bouncing, and I'd rather die than ride one more step.  Just call 911 and medivac me out of here.  I'm done. 

We got back to camp.  The food was to die for - spare ribs, nanna pudding, some other stuff, but who cares.  I was going to stay for the hayride and all, but since my kids couldn't contact me, I headed home.  It was almost dark already, and guess what?  No trailer lights.  Such a nice surprise.

This is my life, people, and you can't have it.  But you'll be real proud of me cuz when I got home I tried to back my trailer into it's spot and all I hit was the fence, a tree, and the boat.  I didn't hit the house or the van! 

I also didn't back it up.  It's still in the front yard. 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I Never Exaggerate

I've been accused of the crime of exaggeration.  I don't know why, because it's blatantly untrue.  The person that started this vicious rumor is just mad, I think, that my horse is so much more wonderful and amazing than her horse.  It's just jealousy. 

She should be jealous, and I'm about to tell you why. 

I spent the day with my very favorite guy yesterday.  Peter and the kids tagged along, too.  We went to my mother's house and got ready for a day on the trails, but something more exciting caught our eyes.  Sitting right there in my parents' side yard lay a huge, ginormous, sixty foot long casualty of Isaac.  My favorite guy and I walked around the colossal testament of the storm's mighty force and eyeballed it, hmm hmming and tsk tsking.  We wandered across the driveway, sized up a good path, and made a run for it, dodging out-of-bloom azalea and wisteria bushes until we reached It.  A brief hesitation while he checked his stride, then Blitz soared, up and over. 

We touched the clouds. 

When Blitz's hooves (freshly shod and adorable) touched earth again, we made a circle and went back for another turn.  The second time was even better than the first.  No horse could jump higher than my horse.  Olympic riders should be embarrassed if they could see how much better we were than them, and on the first try, too. 

I went to the back porch where my parents were sitting, drinking iced tea as all old southern people are wont to do.  "Did you see that?  We just jumped that!  It was at least ten feet high!  We could be in shows!  We could be in Olympics!  Where's your camcorder?  You've got to record this so I can put it on YouTube!"

They didn't move, except Donald took another sip of tea and rocked his chair on it's back legs. 

"Mama?  Come on! You gotta come see us jump!  I coulda died and it was totally cool!"

She fanned herself with her visor.  "It's warm today, isn't it, Donald?  I hope it cools off before the fair next week."

"Ayup," he says. 

Hellooo?  Where's my fan club?  I take a new tact.  "Mother.  Don't you want to watch me jump that huge tree in the side yard?  I could fall and break my leg or die and you could have it on video." I figure that would inspire her to get up.

"It's just a log, Kerri."