Saturday, June 14, 2014

Diva Day

Hey, Diva here.  I have to write this post on my human's blog because she still won't let me have my own BlogSpot. Humans are so greedy.  My human knows I would take over the world if she let me have my own blog. She's just scared.

Today was hotter than stink outside, but do you know what Kerri did? She came trot/limping outside, waving a new Vacquero bridle at me, where I was peacefully grazing and swatting at flies, and cheerfully called, "Diva, Girl, look what Mama bought you!  A pretty new bridle!  Do you want to come try it on?"

Hell, no, woman.  I turned my back to her. Do I want to try it on? Seriously, it's 99 degrees in the shade and you want to know if I want to try on an instrument of torture? What kind of stupid are you?

"Come on, pretty lady, I'll give you a treat," she sing-songs to me. I don't know if she thinks she's cute, but let me tell you...she's not. NOT. No self-respecting middle aged woman should skip around talking to horses like they're babies.  Men in white jackets could show up at any moment and lock her crazy butt up. (If she'd let me have a cell phone, they'd be here already.)

So, okay, I have to admit, the treat finally got to me, but I gave her a merry chase first.  She's limping more now than she was when we started.  What's really fun is letting her get really close, like close enough to brush my whiskers, and I whirl and trot away.  Not far, now, it's more torturous if I'm so near, and yet so far. 

My human's voice wasn't quite so sing-songy by the time she caught me, I must say. She put a new saddle on me, then had the nerve to ask me how I liked it. I would have liked to show her how I liked it, but her new husband was smart enough to hold my lead rope tight enough so my teeth couldn't do my talking on her butt. I laid my ears back and curled my nose, which to any intelligent human would have been intimidating.  She kissed me and scratched my ear. No respect.

My human set me up in all new tack today - new saddle (Endurance), new bridle, new bit - and this was the good part.  It was an O ring straight bit. She thought I'd like it better and, boy, was she right.  It was like not wearing a thing and I got away with murder when she climbed on board (almost literally, but I failed, dammit). The best part was the curb chain didn't fit so...easy bit, no curb.  I was home free, baby.  I could do anything I wanted and there was nothing my passenger could do about it.

I thought about all the terrible things my human has ever done to me - the wormings, the rectal exams, braiding ribbons in my tails - pink ones! - and ho baby did I have some fun with her.  I hit that pasture at a sidewinding crow hop with the wind whistling past my mane.  All I could hear were the shrieks - sing-song cheer was long gone - "John Michael, get another bridle!  Hurry before I die."

I've never seen the male human move so fast. He caught me before I could unload the female human and tap dance on her forehead and he switched bridles. Today was just not my day.

Female human decided we were going to "school".  I know a lady never says her age, but I promise you that I'm long out of the arena.  I don't need no stinking higher education, seeings how I'm perfect as I am. She wanted me to back, then sidepass.  I did a sidewinder already. Why didn't that count?  And when she finally got off, the saddle didn't even slide down and break her other ankle. Dammit.

Put me up and feed me, that's all I ask for. But nooo. that would be asking too much. Next, male human decides I need my hooves trimmed.  All four of them, for crying out loud!

"When we get done with this, should we go ahead and worm her?" he asks, bent over my hind leg.  I did my very best, but I could not produce a bowel movement at that moment. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Finally done with my feet, female human takes the freezing cold water hose and sprays me with it. 

That's it. This day is officially the worst day of my life.

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