Assessment Day

Today I went for my job assessment test at the Workforce Commission.  I got there a half hour early because I left home with plenty of time to allow for morning traffic, wrecks, or the very real possibility of having to tailgate a tractor for ten agonizing miles, and encountered none of these instances.  I signed in and the receptionist went to get my person. 

Susan (name changed to protect the innocent) came to the front and introduced herself.  She shook my sweaty paw as I hopped from foot to foot. 

“Could I use the restroom before we get started?” I asked.

“Of course!” She said, ever so friendly.  She handed me a key and pointed to the door I had already tried.  Why does anyone have to lock a restroom?  Do people steal toilets?  Is there a run on hand soap?

“Thanks so much,” I said.  If only I’d stopped there, but no… “I always have to go when I’m nervous.”  Shut up, Kerri!  Shut UP! 

“And you had a long drive, didn’t you?”  Bless her heart, trying to make me feel comfortable. 

“I did, and I was drinking the whole way here.”  Susan’s eyes widened. “Dr. Pepper!  I was drinking Dr. Pepper!  Not drinking drinking, because I never do that.  I mean, when I was younger, I used to….”  I was finally able to control my runaway mouth and nodded toward the restroom.  “I’ll be right out.”

She nodded, looking a little shell-shocked.

The interview progressed from there fairly well, I think.  She asked lots of questions about homeschooling, and I do mean lots of questions.  Looking back, I’m thinking maybe she was wondering if I was/am qualified to bear children, much less educate them.  I was finally allowed to sit at the computer and take the test.  I’m proud to say I passed it.  Granted, it’s not a pass or fail test, but I’m going with ‘I passed it’ because it makes me feel good. 

I must say, Susan did seem shocked to note my scores, bless her heart.  I’m pretty sure she didn’t believe I had a brain, and I actually scored rather high in certain areas.  If you’ll notice my snooty tone of voice, I’d appreciate it. She pointed out some of my possible careers, specifically noting that physician was listed.  Whooo, doggy, I is SMART, girl!  My head got so big I nearly floated out of there.  I don’t plan on going to school for 14 years, but shyute, as smart as I am, who needs med school?  I already know it all, like my teenagers.

Then again, when I got home I read over all my other possible career choices, and listed below physician was race car driver and ditch digger, so maybe I shouldn’t put too much stock into this assessment business.  A whole day spent, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.  I’m not sure I even want to grow up.

Moving On

I'm back in my Grace House. :)  It's a good feeling, I tell you.  I've already visited with several neighbors, and it is so good to be home.  Yes, it's "just" a double wide, but it's HOME.  I've known from the moment I first came over the hill with the realtor more than seven years ago, that this was the place for me, and it still is. I love the property, I love the neighbors, I love watching the sun set from the front porch and the stars at night.  Maybe I wish it had real walls and not those cheesy wallboard things, but hey, other things are more important.

Today, my parents are coming and we're finishing up the moving.  On Saturday, the kids and I got our mattresses, the couch, and our essentials to spend the weekend.  And of course we got the animals.  I've never seen any happier horses!  They were trying to pull us out of the trailer and toward the pasture.  They'd eat a a few bites of grass, then run - something they haven't had room to do - then eat a bit, then run some more.  Already they act like we don't exist, where before they came up the fence the second we walked out the door.  I guess they're feeling self-sufficient enough that they don't need us anymore. :) 

The dogs are happy enough, except poor Sugar.  She used to be an indoor dog here, and we wouldn't let her come in at the other house.  I've decided to keep her an outdoor dog, and she is so confuzzled.  She lays in mud and kept the house so dirty all the time, so I'm putting her torn up loveseat in the barn, but she waits at the front door with a sad look, not understanding why I've rejected her.

The kids appear to be adjusting well.  The girls definitely have, and are thrilled to be home.  Pierson is the one that didn't want to move back, and he seems okay.  I worry about him because he won't talk about his feelings, and even if he's angry I wish he would tell me. But he does seem to be okay now that he's back.  The shorter drive to town seems to be a bonus, and being closer to his best friend will be nice for him. We'll make this work.

As for the renter, she did some things that I believe were intentional.  I think she deliberately messed up the shower head, because I can't imagine letting that go on for a long time.  It was spraying straight up and soaked the floor with a great deal of water in a very quick shower, even with a towel on the floor.  The floor is soft over a good portion of the bathroom and into the closet, so it will have to be replaced fairly soon.  It cost $8 for a new shower head and took me less than two minutes to replace it.  One of those minutes was trying to open the stabbing at the plastic packaging with a knife.  It was her responsibility to let us know of any repairs that needed to be done, so her negligence cost us hundreds of dollars in furture repairs. 

Plus, she took the mailbox, post and all.  Pierson found it yesterday, behind the barn. The neighbors said that she took it down over a month ago, which is when we gave her notice to move.  Her spitefulness will cost her her deposit. And we gave her almost two months of free rent. I don't understand why she was angry.  She left the house nasty dirty as well. Oh well, she's out and I'm home.

I've been running crazy little with lots of errands and little things to be done, and will continue for the next few days.  After that, I'm hoping life will settle to normal hecticness. I haven't worked on my novel in months, and I'm ready to look at it with fresh eyes and finally finish it.  I've figured out what's wrong and how to make it work, but I have to have the time to set aside and DO it.

Life is a wonderful place these days.  My God is a wonderful God and He is mighty to save. His Grace is covering me. His Peace is in me.

Update

Two days ago, I signed divoce papers.  Yesterday, they were filed with the court, but they are not in effect until I actually move to my new residence in a few weeks.  I'm waiting until the tenant moves out. It's been a roller coaster ride, I assure you.  So many people have, mouths agape, asked me "Why?"  They are so shocked.

Well, I can't tell you why.  It's not because I don't know.  Goodness gracious, do I know.  It's because there are children involved - my children. Unfortunately, my children also want to know why, and I'm at a loss of what to tell them.  Going into details will not help them, and adult matters are not for them to know. 

For those that think we had the perfect marriage...  all I can say is, appearances can be deceiving. Maybe we should have fought more in public, or at least where our kids could see it, because they say they neither saw nor heard any of it. I've always heard it's best not to fight in front of the kids, but considering their complete shock, maybe they should at least have a hint all is not well in Mommy/Daddy Land.  I find that hard to believe because the walls of the doublewide were mighty thin and I'm a yeller, but maybe they didn't hear because they didn't want to hear. I hate what my kids are going through, but even for that, there is no way I can spend one more moment going through this.

Here's a bit of advice - if he tries to control your life, any part of it, it only gets worse with time. And you had better have your ducks in a row.  Louisiana does not view being a stay-at-home mom with any ounce of respect.  Under the LAW, you are expected to bring in an income unless you have a physically disabled child or a child under five.  He was able to refinance a vehicle last week without one word to me - which may now be considered joint debt - but I have no options to get a running vehicle without help from friends or family.  He is getting the six bedroom house on the lake (I don't want it, but hello) and the new truck.  I'm getting the doublewide and the van has 216k miles on.  When asked if he would pay the repair bill on it since he didn't pay the support payment (which is more than 25% less than he told me he would pay) on time, he said no.  He would take me where I need to go.  I want to ride with him like I want to get shot in the head.

But this is important for you to know.  I am the bad guy.  I want this divorce and I do not have grounds for it. He did not cheat on me and he does not beat me.  Therefore, I will not be able to stand before God with my decision.  Folks, I am going to hell.  I now understand why people hate religion.  If it were not for my belief that God is not this angry, vengeful being that he has made him out to be, I would be an atheist, too. 

I'm struggling with my faith right now.  My anger is strong and raging.  And yet....I know I have only sixty more hours.  Sixty more hours until he leaves for his next offshore hitch and I will be free of having to deal with him on a daily basis.  He has no more control over me.   I'll get by without his precious money, and at least then he can't say I "owe" him anything.  I've been low before, and I've pulled myself up.  I'll do it again.

I can focus on my kids again.  And I can be me again. And I can turn to God again.  Looking forward to that.

Yeah.  Looking forward to that.