Update

Two days ago, I signed divoce papers.  Yesterday, they were filed with the court, but they are not in effect until I actually move to my new residence in a few weeks.  I'm waiting until the tenant moves out. It's been a roller coaster ride, I assure you.  So many people have, mouths agape, asked me "Why?"  They are so shocked.

Well, I can't tell you why.  It's not because I don't know.  Goodness gracious, do I know.  It's because there are children involved - my children. Unfortunately, my children also want to know why, and I'm at a loss of what to tell them.  Going into details will not help them, and adult matters are not for them to know. 

For those that think we had the perfect marriage...  all I can say is, appearances can be deceiving. Maybe we should have fought more in public, or at least where our kids could see it, because they say they neither saw nor heard any of it. I've always heard it's best not to fight in front of the kids, but considering their complete shock, maybe they should at least have a hint all is not well in Mommy/Daddy Land.  I find that hard to believe because the walls of the doublewide were mighty thin and I'm a yeller, but maybe they didn't hear because they didn't want to hear. I hate what my kids are going through, but even for that, there is no way I can spend one more moment going through this.

Here's a bit of advice - if he tries to control your life, any part of it, it only gets worse with time. And you had better have your ducks in a row.  Louisiana does not view being a stay-at-home mom with any ounce of respect.  Under the LAW, you are expected to bring in an income unless you have a physically disabled child or a child under five.  He was able to refinance a vehicle last week without one word to me - which may now be considered joint debt - but I have no options to get a running vehicle without help from friends or family.  He is getting the six bedroom house on the lake (I don't want it, but hello) and the new truck.  I'm getting the doublewide and the van has 216k miles on.  When asked if he would pay the repair bill on it since he didn't pay the support payment (which is more than 25% less than he told me he would pay) on time, he said no.  He would take me where I need to go.  I want to ride with him like I want to get shot in the head.

But this is important for you to know.  I am the bad guy.  I want this divorce and I do not have grounds for it. He did not cheat on me and he does not beat me.  Therefore, I will not be able to stand before God with my decision.  Folks, I am going to hell.  I now understand why people hate religion.  If it were not for my belief that God is not this angry, vengeful being that he has made him out to be, I would be an atheist, too. 

I'm struggling with my faith right now.  My anger is strong and raging.  And yet....I know I have only sixty more hours.  Sixty more hours until he leaves for his next offshore hitch and I will be free of having to deal with him on a daily basis.  He has no more control over me.   I'll get by without his precious money, and at least then he can't say I "owe" him anything.  I've been low before, and I've pulled myself up.  I'll do it again.

I can focus on my kids again.  And I can be me again. And I can turn to God again.  Looking forward to that.

Yeah.  Looking forward to that.