Rough Days

I'm having a really rough week.  Rough month, even.  February is always a tough one for me, but this one has been tougher than most in the last few years.  Or maybe it just seems that way every year.  This is a leap year, and I hate leap years.  My brother died on February 29th.  Wednesday will be 20 years.  It's kind of a milestone year, you know?  His birthday's tomorrow, so with only four days between birthday and death, it's like a double whammy.  Most years, there's no anniversary day to mourn, to really hash it all out and wail and gnash of teeth.  The first few years after his death, I thought that was a bad thing and I just stayed morose for the whole week - or two or three - around that time frame.  These last years, I've accepted his death and just celebrated his birthday every year with a lemon pie (his favorite) and a general "in your face" attitude that we always had with each other, celebrating the time I did know him.

The last time I saw my brother was on my birthday, three months before his death.  Mama had made a lemon pie for me (do you hear that Shawn - for ME!), as was our custom.  We love our lemon pie in this family.  I'd gone out to celebrate catching up with my id (turning 21) and when I got back to his house late that night, where I was visiting for Thanksgiving, he had eaten my last piece of lemon pie.  I still fume when I think of that.  So now, every year, I eat a slice of his birthday pie, his favorite food on earth, and lift a forkfull up to him, and snicker.

Anyway, I digress.  This year has just been rougher.  It seems like life has been piling up on me this past week or so.  Mostly little stuff, but you know how it can be, right?  Unexpected bills, having my feelings hurt, hurting others without intentionally doing so (me and my sarcasm), etc etc. But they pile up and I feel like going back to bed and pulling the covers over my head and becoming a hermit until March.  Maybe longer.  I'm not in a good place right now.